Friday, September 16, 2005

I lost myself......

Life is going along just fine, in fact better than it has done for ages.....but I know what's missing. I'm not FEELING. I can't remember the last time I let something pierce right into the pulse of my being and overwhelm me. Am I scared? Scared of what I won't find down in the depths of "me".....secretly longing for there to be more, for myself to be more established and ready to take on life. If I let myself go deep, perhaps all I'll find are huge gaps, and that is a weakness. Who wants to be weak? To be honest, I don't, not just because I care too much of what others think, but also because my own expectations for myself are ridiculously high, so I gloss over things often, and just live moment to moment without absorption and process.

Africa changed things...

I don't think I can witness raw human suffering and the blatant fight for survival and come back ready to throw myself into debates on current movies or even what a church should really be. Sometimes I think I am holding back because if I unlatch the door to my heart the outpouring might cause something inappropriately big. How did I become reserved and introverted?

Partly not being able to have anyone fully understand what I began to understand in 2004 in Zambia, partly insecurities and self doubt, partly fear of a life uninhibited, although deep down it is my wildest and most constant dream. To live an uninhibited life.

We only have one life, why do I inhibit myself? Because I don't know myself yet. But how do I go about changing that? How do I understand who I really am, what I really believe and want and love.

I haven't mentioned God once, yet I love him the most in my life. How I long to live in the reality of him and him IN me. I LONG for it..because 99% of the time it is not reality, but rather head belief.....yet there is a huge hope that tells me there's so much more......and there's always going to be so much more!

Yet in this moment I am not getting/living/believing/being what I could..... Be PURPOSEFUL Hannah, in everything...especially prayer.

Hmm.......that's a start for now, and perhaps this outlet will allow me to work through some thoughts and respond to convictions.